Yesterday ended up being a Non-Writing Day. Don’t get me wrong, Non-Writing Days (NWD) are necessary outside of my isolation cave, but yesterday was a Planned Writing Day (PWD) so it hurts to lose it.
The worst part is, I had no excuse. Sure I had a lot of things reach a “Cannot Put Off/Take Care Of Now” culmination that left me sorting through my sub-par to-do list, but just when I should have finally checked-in on the writing front Le Novio put on Workaholics (I told him to… I thought I was stronger than that!) and BAM! NWD.
Days I don’t write or don’t reach projected goals hurt me. They physically cause me pain and it lingers with me until I make up what was lost. I am just a lump, wandering around feebly until I have a Great Writing Day under my belt again. Nothing breaks my stride like a NWD.
I have a lot to do (non-writing) today, which does not lead to good projections for a Great Writing Day, but I’ve decided to sneak writing along with me anyway. I’ve promised this section finished by the end of the week, but I’m still a chapter shy and the ones before are a mess. I have a lot to do.
Le Novio was frustrated (I think… he’s hard to read sometimes) that I wanted to bail on the bar tonight. Of course I want to go to the bar tonight! It’s martini night and I like to watch him drink girly pink drinks. He didn’t buy my whole “I don’t want to be one of those couples that comes as a packaged deal” thing. (Even though it’s true.) I can’t empty my bank accounts for distractions… it just makes me more dependent on jobs and other things that I’ve intentionally put on a back-burner to steal the time for this project.
I just want to write… Everything else needs to be secondary. Is that so bad? Is that selfish of me?
I haven’t done much to prepare for my future. I mean, I’m going to grad school and overwhelmingly excited about it, but I realize here, while Le Novio is off at work, that after this I’m going to have to get it together. I don’t want to spend my life waiting for someone to get home and doing the grocery shopping. I want to make something. I like to contribute (especially financially, as much as I hate money). I don’t want to be tossed under the rug or denigrated. I want to work hard at something.
So NWDs hurt me. They make every choice I have made seem like a paltry excuse to waste my time (especially to me). To me, this is not a waste of time. This is not “flexible hours.” This is not just a fun excuse that leads to me slowly slipping out of competition. I’m not down. I’m not out. I’m working my damnedest to get in!